In my last post I told a story about a situation I had with a young woman in college. I used to think that my thing with Vicky was a unique situation, but recently I have had a similar situation that made me think my Vicky situation was the beginning of a pattern of unhealthy behavior. My most recent situation has not been as bad as Vicky I, solely because I was conscience of the Vicky I situation and therefore we don’t spend copious amounts of time together. But there were enough characteristics that make me call it a Vicky situation.
Vicky II had similar physical features, soft eyes, beautiful smile…a natural beauty. But again that’s not where my attraction spawned. When I first met her I just thought of her as another pretty face. It wasn’t until days later, after we started to get to know each other that I started to fall for her. It only took a few days because, just like Vicky we hit it off. There was an open, mutual, understanding that talking to each other was easy…it was special. In our brief time of knowing each other, we could talk about things that we would never dare with other people. There was a comfort between us. Plus she would get very close, subtlety put her hands on me, in ways that would indicate a stronger attraction. I was sooo wrong. When I mentioned that we get dinner together, she said she was busy and suggested that we do a group thing at a later date. Next time we saw each other, I was awkward, because she had just turned me down. She said not to be embarrassed, that she knew I was just asking her to dinner as friends, because anything more would be “just silly.” OUCH! That right there would deter any sane man. I didn’t earn the moniker Idiot for nothing.
After a period of anger and awkwardness, I slowly fell back into her web of attraction. Before I knew it, we were right back where we were pre-rejection. I tried to keep my distance, I knew she had suitors (obviously) and I knew she was dating and interested in these guys. Yet, there I was again, trying my damnedest to get her to like me. Now, Vicky II and I didn’t spend lots of time together like Vicky I. There were no sleep overs, dinner dates, and drunken nights. These were replaced with occasional lunch dates, aim conversations, text messages etc. Either way, we still had this connection and I couldn’t stand that she didn’t reciprocate my feelings. One night I called her, I had to tell her point blank and get an answer so I could move on. I talked and just when I was about to say, “I like you” she said stop, “Don’t say it.” I obliged, but we both knew what I was going to say. And that was that. I knew she had no romantic feelings for me. However, there was no denying the connection we had. She trusted me with secrets that she couldn’t even tell her best friends. Therefore she wanted to keep me in her life. She didn’t want to lose a budding friendship that had real long term potential. I didn’t want to be friends because it was too hard for me. Memories of Vicky came rushing back to me. I knew how dysfunctional this was. I tried my hardest to separate myself. The thought of her getting hit on by some guy or kissing someone just tore me up. I couldn’t handle it. It hurt so bad. I know, I never had this girl, but I didn’t care. Being friends with her was torture sometimes, but I still answered texts, asked her to movies, and tried to pretend nothing happened because of that feeling she gave me.
Now I transition from past tense to present. I need to stop, because now I’ve wasted 7+ months on a girl that clearly doesn’t appreciate me. She wants my kindness, my generosity, all that makes me the good guy that I am, but I feel like I don’t get the same in return (Maybe I do get that in return, but because it’s not what I want it feels like I don’t get the same). I still can’t make a clean break, but at some point I’m going to have to do what I did with Vicky I and that’s to cease all communication for a prolonged period of time. That’s the only way I can get over a girl and forget the pain she brought me. Out of sight, out of mind.
I’ve dated girls, had a few relationships during my day. None of these girls have had the connection that I enjoyed with Vicky I and Vicky II. When you imagine your long term partner, you imagine someone who you can spend all your time with. Someone who makes you laugh, makes you think, pushes you to be better, someone who just understands you…your best friend. That’s what I thought I had and felt with these women. I thought it would be amazing to date someone that I got along with this well, because that’s the dream, the end goal, the reason we date and hope to meet the one. It just wasn’t meant to be and that’s the toughest pill to swallow. Will one of these girls that I connect with at that level ever love me back? Or will they all want to be my friend? I don’t think I, or my friends, could take another Vicky situation.
So friends, that’s me. That’s the story of my dating life. Between my bouts of poor pick up lines and terrible attempts to meet women in any possible way, I find myself enamored with the wrong girl. I can’t help it, I’m a lover. I’m not a player. I’m the nice guy your parents want you to bring home but not the guy you want to date in your twenties. Instead of hating this, I should just embrace it and I’ll find someone who not only understands me, enjoys spending time with me, but loves me back.
it’s true, you will find someone who likes you for you. Unreciprocated love/crushes/whatever you want to call them is one of the hardest things I think. Especially if you’re like me and think you’re the hottest thing since double-stuffed oreos : )
there’s no point in trying to change who you are because you don’t want someone to fall for that person and then feel like you’re pretending the whole time…but just remember what i’ve written about the ‘nice guy.’ girls want a nice guy, but they don’t want a pussy. you don’t sound like a pushover, and it seems you learned your lesson with VIcky I, but don’t push yourself in friend territory…that almost always screams ‘bad.’
I hate to say “she’s out there,” but she is. Sometimes I think the problem is looking. But then one can argue if you’re not looking, will you find him/her? You know what? Maybe I’m not one to offer advice on this topic. I’ll nix relationship counselor off my list of possible careers.
Just have some faith. Try not to completely wrap yourself up in a woman so early into the friendship/relationship.
Seriously. No counseling of any kind.
Thanks for the kind words. I know she’s out there. Dating is fun and I’d rather have a dozen shitty dates than put myself through another ordeal. More positive posts on the way!
It’s refreshing to hear this from a guy’s perspective. I’m kind of in a similar situation, but it’s between Vicky I and Vicky II. Lol or should I say A-boy I and A-boy II. My problem is that I don’t know what I want…unlike you, you seem to be pretty sure of what you want. It sucks that you keep falling for the wrong girl, but don’t give up hope! It’s all just practice for when the right girl comes along. And hey…at least you haven’t turned bitter.
PS. Thanks for reading my blog, I wrote a reply comment on there.
Haha, I’ve never heard someone say to me “You know what you want.” It appears from these two posts that I know what I want…but in reality my female kryptonite is my inability to choose what I want. I thought I knew what I wanted with these women but what I want clearly doesn’t want me back. So who knows what I really want?
When you fall for someone you have to realize that it’s not exactly a choice. In many ways, the “loss of friendship” that you’re afraid of occurs at that moment that is out of your control, and sticking around with someone who doesn’t reciprocate is simply prolonging the inevitable. It’s best to simply be forthright with your feelings and then hope. But really, what benefit are you to them in a self-pitying state? They may enjoy the adoration, but there are plenty of things that feel good but are unhealthy.
A red flag in these two stories is the lack of communication, being forthright with your intentions and demanding it from them would have saved you time and heartache. All lasting healthy relationships are built on honest communication. If you really want the relationship to work, it’s your role to not accept ambiguity. If you can’t do that with somebody, then move on, it wouldn’t work out between you anyways.
[...] caring, fun loving, independent, and real. If you take a look at my posts about Vicky I and Vicky II, I emphasize that it wasn’t their obvious physical beauty that captured my heart. It was [...]
[...] me remind LA Idiot readers, old and new, my two stories about girls I call Vicky I and Vicky II. They’re both worth a read, but let me summarize them for you. I met each Vicky about 5 years [...]